Blame Canada...

Just wanna throw this out there:

I hate Caillou.  I hate Caillou's family.  I hate Gilbert, Caillou's stupid cat.  My blood starts to boil 2 beats into the theme song.  It's not because he's Canadian.  His voice makes me cringe and I want to just punch him on his giant, round, bald head (He's 4, by the way.  Why doesn't he have any hair, goddammit?!)  It's because he's whiny, and he asks stupid questions. I don't care that he's teaching kids valuable lessons.

I'm paying a debt to the Universe for all the bad shit I did in high school, because my 3 year old absolutely LOVES Caillou.  She binges on Caillou marathons on Netflix almost daily.  She can sing the song verbatim.

I clearly owe my parents and the Universe an apology and a fruit basket.


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Cronut Crawl 2013

Mmmmm... Cronuts...  The latest, greatest and tastiest deep fried treat to clog your arteries since the Krispy Kreme Fried Chicken Sandwich!!

OK.  I'm a lemming. I admit it. I wanna sit at the cool kid's table in the cafeteria, and be the guy who's done all the hip and cool stuff that there is to do. So what? Well, unless you live in a cave, or in some rural part of the Midwest (same difference), then you know that all the cool kids are eating CRONUTS.  The Cronut craze started in New York, and since its inception, droves of would-be hybrid pastry lovers have made pilgrimage to a tiny bakery in SoHo, where they line up at dawn in the hopes of snagging the coveted cream-filled and glazed wonder that is half croissant, half donut, and all fried.  Who doesn't want to get on that train?!

Since I don't have the luxury of trying the NYC Original, (and moreso, since I lack the insanity factor to be okay with standing in line for 3+ hrs in the hopes of trying the OG Cronut,) I'm left to spend a day of my hiatus on a Knockoff Cronut Crawl in Los Angeles. 

Except for the fact that cronuts are about $5 a pop, which affords me 2 stops, I'm raring to go.  Really, Christ?  2 whole stops? Let's be honest here.  L.A. isn't a small town, and although I consider myself a master at navigating my way around this city, gas is still hovering around $4 a gallon, and the cronut peddlers are scattered throughout L.A. and its environs. Also, it's still "blazing hot" summer (80 degrees is hot, alright?), and after about an hour of voluntarily driving around town...  Let's just say that a 2-stop Cronut Crawl is just about the longest I can go before my road rage demons start to come out. My two stops were DK's Donuts in Santa Monica and Capicola's Gourmet Sandwiches in Torrance. 

Before I start, let me just say that I'm a bit of a baked goods purist.  I don't mean that in a snotty way. I don't like frosting. I prefer baked over fried. Have I lost anyone yet? You know when you go to the donut store, and they have that tray of lonely naked cake donuts on the bottom shelf, in the far right hand corner?  Those are for me. I could eat those all day. I also hate cream and jelly filling.  It grosses me out.  Especially when you take a bite of a filled donut, and the filling glops out the other side, and onto your lap as you try to make an illegal left hand turn into the parking garage... I digress. Despite my hatred for what most of the world believes is the Baby Jesus spread on a pastry, I needed to try me a Cronut. Just in case I was missing something.  I mean, 400 people standing in line before sun-up can't be all wrong... right?  

First stop: DK's Donuts.  The pantheon of the 24-hour donut/lotto/boba/Bahn-mi/cigarette shop.  Their entire case reminds me of Christmas morning. You don't know where to start.  DK's offers at least a dozen different types of what they're calling the "Double Decker O-Nut."  The majority of donut shops in L.A. are run by Asians - usually Cambodians (that's not racist, it's a fact) - some of DK's offerings definitely skew Asian. In addition to traditional flavors like Oreo, Bacon Maple, Nutella and Eclair O-Nuts, DK's also has Taro cream, Thai Tea cream, Green Tea cream and Guava cream. Being the purist, I opt for a Cinnamon Sugar.  No cream, just a cronut with a generous sprinkling of sugar and spice (just like me.) It was good. Churro-esque, even. There were more layers than a traditional yeast donut, but for my taste, it could definitely use more of the flake factor of a croissant. Because they're fried, the oil can weigh down the dough and make it a little heavier. It tasted more donut-y than croissant-y, probably due to the fact that they are using the same oil to fry all their donuts. I think I hit an oil pocket at one point, which sent a little burst of oily wonderment down my throat. I didn't hate it, but I was not blown away.

Of course, if you really want to binge, DK's offers a Texas-sized O-Nut. You know, in lieu of a birthday cake... or for those lonely Saturday nights, when no one but the cat knows it's really not your birthday and you have 3 weeks worth of laundry piled on the couch that's not going to fold itself...

Second stop: Capicola's Gourmet Sandwiches. This restaurant recently opened in the space that used to by my favorite Indian restaurant. They did a mean chicken tikka masala, let me tell you. Apparently, I was the only one who thought so. The good news is Capicola's makes a good sandwich, and does a really good cronut. Their iteration is called the "Croinut" (see what they did there?) and on any given day, they offer 4-6 different varieties, including the Elvis (PB & banana), Peanut Butter Cup, Nutella, and the more traditional varieties like plain glazed and cinnamon & sugar. By the time I got there, the regular sized pastries were gone, but there were two full trays of the 2-bite cronuts.  I grabbed a half dozen variety and bolted home. Compared to the DK pastries, Capicola's has got the cronut down.  They have the flake factor that was missing from the DK's version, and they don't taste like donut. Perhaps because it was the baby version, I didn't feel the weight of the Capicola's cronut like I did with the DK's version. Even with the glaze and the cream filling, I prefer this version. Also for my taste, the 2-bite cronut is the better option - you definitely don't have the heavy, oily overload that I experienced with the DK version.

Long story short, L.A.'s knockoff cronuts (cronots?) are alright.  I think I'd have to try the original to really be able to compare to the LA knockoff. Truth be told, if I never have another O-Nut or Croinut again, I'll be okay. So will my cholesterol levels.




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